Voregeoisiee

William Girdler, David Sheldon

Would you believe I'm watching this for research?

Unfortunately, few good things going for this movie. Why are there zero good bear creature feature movies? I had high-ish hopes for this one. At least middle of the lane B-movie quality. Which, I suppose it was, but it was so boring I didn't pay enough attention to confirm.

Am I gonna have to watch Cocaine Bear? Does Cocaine Bear feature a blood waterfall? Will I ever win?

Probably not, but here are some other W's (not W's) this movie posted:

• Perhaps the funniest case of Bury Your Gays I've ever seen. Seriously, the way these lesbians had their romantic getaway weekend interrupted by both a flirty man and a bear is a damn shame. You may ask yourself 'Wait, why would the movie have them be chatted up by a guy if they're gay? What makes you so confident you're right?' and the answer, of course, is one, Chrisitan Values; and two, despite technically not having any lines (100% ADR'd), these two ladies stil managed to pass the Bechtel Test! By discussing chores! Like a married couple! Seriously, though, why weren't these two mic'd? Why mic the guy who wanders onto set for exactly thirty seconds, but not your first victims? You have at least three mics, I saw them being used!
• Conversely, the way they explained the erratic (rabid) bear had to be male because females weren't canibalistic was so fucking funny. (It's rabid.)
• And last, but certainly not least: That was a whole ass black bear adolescent just straight up being snuggled by the talent! Gotta love the 70's.

Anyway, two and half stars. The only good beats it had were stolen wholesale from Jaws and performed by underpaid actors. But it did have a blood waterfall, so..

Paris Zarcilla

There are a lot of themes in this fairly basic plot. Most of them are great, but it did get a little messy in the third act. I would've really liked this movie if the white family's story got pared down just a bit. Or if some of the... twists(?) were telegraphed a little better. It just felt like, considering the white family's struggles are not the point of this story, it was strange to derail the climax of the movie in a way that focused almost entirely on them.

Three and a half stars. It was good, just needed a better editor.

Eli Roth

"Ignore them, they've been in here two days. Drank too much white zinfandel" cut to a gaggle of teens watching a staticky tv kinda got me.

Eh. Exactly what I thought it'd be. On a personal note, if I had seen this movie even just a year ago I would've said some shit like 'you do not under any circumstances have to hand it to Eli Roth, but at least when he sets up a human-sized oven, he sees it through.' I don't miss the old Kanye, though. I've seen enough trashy horror to know he's neither the first nor the best to do unflinching, he's simply the best connected.

Two stars. A movie like this is what it is, and I didn't hate it. Modern slashers are hard and I thought if anyone could pull it off, it would be Roth. I still think that, I just wish the guy would stop spending all his brainpower on hating women and start looking into a good practical effects artist. Trust me Eli, you'll love it, it's right up you're alley.

Oh, one more thing. Again, useless to critique a dumb gimick movie on it's technical structure, but why the fuck introduce all these tertiary characters if not to raise the body count? I spent the whole movie waiting for the Supernatural wash ups to get turned into mashed potatoes, or for the deputy to end up being the final hero or something but like, nothing ever comes of them? Reveal the red herring then fry him up. Or make him thr hero, sure, but then kill off the murderer's inheritor. Ugh. Film making 101.

DirectorGeorge P. Cosmatos

This is the movie equivalent of reading someone's shameless plug and play AU fanfic. Which is to say it's like watching Fifty Shades, I guess, except enjoyable.

I loved this movie. Sure, I'm a mark. You can redress Alien in any setting you'd like and I'd probably like it, but this movie in particular took thorough notes re: production design and anticapitalist sentiment and baby, that's a table I'll always sit at. Unfortunately it was scrubbed of any and all reproductive rights themes, but that's to be expected; my long running rule that no men outside of Ridley Scott and H. R. Giger are allowed to discuss the xenomorph, which, blessedly, this movie had the foresight not to attempt.

Now I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes, of course it rips off better movies. But at least it's funny about it. Every time I think they're gonna one-up alien, they both one-up and do the exact same thing alien did and I love that for them. You think the mount up scene is just gonna leave you with slasher movie weapons? Fool! Have chainsaws and three fuck off huge flamethrowers. You think the monster's gonna call it a day after breaking into someone's chest? Sit tight, he's coming out of one later. Had enough of mother? Well now we got two moms. And one of themm is flesh and blood #gayrights.

She has everything. incredible production design, a higher body count, Joe from the Princess Diaries, the Thing. Checkhov's implosion mansplaination. Everything a girl could want.

Admittedly, 'Say hi motherfucker' was a fridge too far. The sharks + Jaws reference + action movie punch out ending felt like the hail Mary pass of an entirely different movie? It was weird.

Regardless: four stars. Were they earned? Absolutely not. Was this movie made specifically for me? Yeppers.

Director: James Foley

Boy they don't make 'em like this anymore. (Not necessarily a bad thing.)
Two stars. Wanted to like this movie but it's just piss poor. Bummer

Director: Avi Nesher

Of all the things i have seen a horror movie cut to after the killer raises their penetrative weapon to insinuate the final, slashing blow, the big broad nose of a plane is certainly something i never expected. Do they understand the purpose of this shot? Do they want a plane to fuck them? Given the automatic impulse to question how much the director fears the killer's sexuality, considering we have a male director and a female killer, are they trying to admit they fear the plane's sexuality? Much 2 think about.
TBH I didnt pay attention to this movie, but there is a twenty year old man who talks like fog horn leg horn which is pretty funny.
Was gonna give this movie a half a star but blood shower and + Klingon!Hellraiser puppet + villain gets impaled on the holy sword of St. Michael when he's thrown through that stained glass window so... two stars, maybe. I realy wish this worked as a good bad movie. I could maybe make it work if I made approx. forty rules for it, but I don't wanna. Just gonna be my little secret that the end of the movie kinda rules a little.

Director: Joel & Ethan Cohen

Well I'm glad they reused that opening in No Country For Old Men. Can't blame them, it's a solid opening. Weird to think the cinematography was better the first time around. That shot of the blank billboard cutting the shot like a knife was beautiful.
such a minor note but it must be said, the fans swirling over our three leads to illustrate their thoughts spinning round and round was good, also. Perhaps cliche, but I liked it.
Overall not necessarily for me. Four stars because it's well made, the cinematography is incredible, and it was so interesting seeing the barebones of so many Cohen Brothers specialties taking shape, but I remain not-a-crime-movie-guy

Director: David Slade

One and a half stars, and they all go to Patrick Wilson's purple hands

Director: Quentin Tarantino

another necessary rewatch with my partner. still love this movie, sans all the n words. so fucking stylish. just wish bruce willis had kept that samurai sword when he stole that chopper. four and a half stars.

Director: Clint Eastwood

Boy, Kevin Bacon disappoints, eh?
a rewatch with my partner. slightly worse than I remember, but Sean Penn really put his whole pussy into it. four stars

Director: James Ward Byrkit

Every now and again you find that one movie that reignites your passion for a genre. First twenty minutes or so were a slog and I was not expecting to come out the other side hanging on every minute, but this movie amped up quick and hard - and impressive fete considering i stared at the same handful of people moving around the same 3 poorly lit sets over and over. Considering it's flimsy plot and non-existent budget, this movie keeps you scratching your head and hanging onto every detail.
As a big sci-fi lover, I'm always pleased to find stories centered around average Joe's way in over their heads. This movie had a solid balance between tangental expose and genuine bewilderment. I wish more movies/books/stories in general let the audience flounder some, especially when there is a horror element. It's okay that we dont know what's going on; neither do the characters. Thats why they're all acting so stupid.
I gave it a three and a half rating, but that was mostly due to shakey cam nonsense. I did really enjoy this. I'm glad that they had no budget, I just wish they'd saved some money on wine and spent it on the tripod.

Director: Neil Jordan

I wanted to like this movie way more than I did, but alas, I was doomed from the start, not being in the know when it comes to noirs. I don't think it was particularly well directed, but it was a good screenplay and well acted so it gets about three and half stars from me. I think Simone facing discrimination as both a black sex worker and a closeted lesbian was a fridge too far, especially seeing as Hoskins never really learned how to get over himself with either. Which, to be fair, may be the point, but don't turn around on the closing scene and make him seem like he learned so much and is now a good father or whatever.
Again, maybe its cause I don't have much of a background with noirs. I know the main character is usually a severely flawed individual and I know its common to roll credits with a sticky ending, it's just not what I usually go to the movies for.

Director: Leonard Kastle

They don't make 'em like this anymore.
Genuinely can't beleive this movie was greenlit. We're killing pregnant women long and slow, we're drowning children, we're smashing old biddies over the head with hammers and stripping over their corpses. It's crazy to me that they made this in '69, crazier still that it was treated as unflinchingly as it was. If this movie was made today it would star Zack Efron and like... Christina Hendricks, and they'd just put her in an unlined bra or something to make her look a little frumpy. The pregnant lady dying scene would be a 3 minute sped up shot of the entire bus ride as we watch her slowly fall into a peaceful sleep while some orchestral lofi bullshit progressively drowns out the bus noises. The little girl at the end would get away, and she would be the one to call the police somehow. Michelle Pfeiffer would play the elderly catholic lady, though, so that would be cool.
Honestly though, the casting and costuming of our leading roles was incredible. Ray was charming and suave, and his descent into outright murderousness while still being too squimish to do his own dirty work was exceptionally executed. And the fact that the screenplay doesn't let him be dominated by the 'evil, fat mammy' - as would have been all too easy to do in the 60's - while still allowing Martha to be unappologetically, well, evil and fat, is such a breath of fresh air. I kept waiting for her to turn into some fucking Devine caricature, but the more time we spend with her, the more the movie insists on showing you just how massively depressed this woman is. The movie's insistance that she is sympathetic, albeit cruel, while never letting you forget the roll she played in all this is fair amount to juggle, but it pulls it off spectacularly. She just feels like a real woman - one I'd never want to meet, but probably already know.
Ray is handled in much the same way. He hits the ground running and doesn't stop. Capable by turns of incredible charm, manipulation, and unmasked rage, Lo Bianco does such a great job of playing the debonair hustler that for a little while there I wasn't sure he was all-onboard with the murders.
It's not all acting abilities, though, as illustrated by how quickly we come to like each of the victims as well. There is a little bit of the slasher trope at work here, relying on archetypes to let the viewers quickly identify with each of them, but given that it precedes that era, it's just more clever screenwriting as opposed to tired old tricks.
While this movie could stand alone on performances and character work, I don't want to completely gloss over the technical talents here, either. Costuming and makeup were both quite good, lighting was so good it made me remember why I like black and white movies so much, but there was also some moments of intimate camera work I wanted to touch on quickly. I'm not great with older movies, but I can't remember the last time I saw such an old movie get so close to an actor that their mannerisms push them out of frame. It was unexpected, and quite effective, and very well choreographed with the actor, as it was obvious he would wait for the camera to reframe him before ducking his head back off center frame again.
Anyway, loved it. Unrepentant four stars this time.

Director: David Lowery

A genuinely ambitious undertaking, which lands slightly left of center for my taste. I gave it four stars overall but I wonder if it's more a three and a halfer, really. I'm always excited to see dark, high fantasy on the big screen, and the visuals did not disappoint, but the symbolism became a little muddled which is a massive pet peeve of mine.
That being said, I will always be a fan of any narrative that shows how selfish and narcissistic one must be to aspire to legendary greatness. As the film asks, 'What's wrong with goodness?' and is it really possible to become a great man by simply adhering to a set of useless rules established by men who have also forsaken any shot at happiness with their lots in life simply so their names can echo the longest and loudest? What good is that when the names of your loved ones die out long before your own?
Dev Patel's portrayal of a misguided, charming trust fund kid is top notch, though. I only wish his first line in the whole movie was imploring that he wasn't ready. I'm not complaining about the presence of sex in this movie, but if you're only going to half ass your eroticism, then don't even bother letting it hold up your thesis statement.